Vermin
by Miseria Cantere
Summary: The crew of the Black Pearl find themselves amidst their toughest battle to date- the fight against the infestation threatening to consume them all. The infestation of... the Mary Sue.


**_Vermin_**

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_Disclaimer_: Alas, I own nothing here. Pity, really. Anyways, enjoy, and please be kind enough to review.

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Captain Jack Sparrow closed his eyes and leaned back, resting his head against the wooden wall of his cabin. He let the steady rocking of the ship, coupled with the relative silence that had become uncommon these days, lull him into a semi-dreamlike state. The soft crashing of waves against the side of the ship was a welcome change from the noises that had become frequent on board the _Black __Pearl- wails and screeches as the crew attempted to rid the vessel of the vermin that had been infesting it as of late._

However, almost as soon as Jack had begun to truly appreciate the lack of noise, his ears picked up a sound. A sound he knew well these days. A scratching and clawing noise. The door to the cabin flew open, revealing Will Turner, his tousled hair hanging in his eyes. 

Will had been invited, by Jack, to spend a short time on board the _Black Pearl. Not wanting to seem inconsiderate, he had also invited Elizabeth, but she had declined the offer. She may acknowledge the fact that Will was, by blood, a pirate, but she had no inclination whatsoever to spend ay more time sailing the seas on a pirate ship. She had let Will go alone. _

"Jack," Will gasped, obviously having run at full speed to inform Jack of what was happening. "There's another one, it's just climbed on board."

Jack nodded once; he had heard all he needed to. He swiftly stepped up and followed Will out the door, both of them quickly breaking into a run.

"How much do we know?" Jack inquired as they ran towards the other end of the ship.

"Not much," Will replied. "I came as soon as I could, but I think it's looking for you."

Jack sighed inwardly. They always seemed to be looking for him. Sometimes there was one for Will, and, even rarer, one in the wrong place, looking for Barbossa, but there seemed to be a never-ending supply looking for him. He ducked to avoid getting tangled in the ropes dropping from the mast, and stopped as he saw it.

The terrifying form of a Mary Sue.

She stood on the deck, straightening her dress which, oddly, since she had swum to the ship, did not seem to be even damp. Her hair, which was the colour of Aztec gold, streaked with a sunset pink, curled and reaching almost to the floor, also did not seem to be wet. Her pale skin glowed like a thousand burning shipwrecks, contrasting with her cool, yet deep, purple eyes. Her dress seemed to be spun by hand from luminescent pure silver, and was emitting a soft, hypnotic glow. She looked up from her focus on her clothing, and her eyes widened and changed colour, to sea green, as she saw Captain Jack and Will standing before her.

"Oh my GOD!" she screeched. Even when screeching, her voice was melodic. "Oh my God, oh my God, OH MY GOD!"

"Yep," Jack said, turning to face Will. "It's one of those pre-teen ones."

"They're the worst," Will replied, suppressing a shudder.

"Wow!" she said, ecstasy making her features more striking, if possible. "I, like, totally LOVE you, Jack!"

Will smirked in spite of himself. "Looks like your lucky day Jack. You get to fend off a squealing pre-teen fangirl!"

Jack glared in reply. He hated these beasts, why couldn't they leave him in peace?

"So," said Will, glad that this one wasn't here for him and should, therefore, leave him alone. "What's your name?"

"My name," she said superiorly, "is Verallidaine Valentina Starglaze. The seventh."

Will snorted. "Creative one, this is," he muttered to Jack out of the corner of his mouth. Verallidaine, seeming to enjoy the sound of her own voice (after all, it is harmonious and hypnotic. Who could resist?), continued talking.

"I have come here in search of my true love, as foretold by my own crystal ball while perfecting my gift as a Seer. Not that it needs to be perfected, of course," she added. "It was prophesised that I would meet a man of great power on this ship, and he and I would fall in love, to live happily ever after…"

Jack raised one eyebrow, cynically. Their stories got more and more absurd each time. 

"…So, I figured that it was you, Jack. And, of course, we would look _so good together…"_

"Of course," Jack replied. Verallidaine did not seem to notice the scathing edge in his voice.

"…I mean, just think, how _cute _will our children be?"

That was it. When they started to plan a family, it was time to take action. Jack, blocking out the girl's voice, nudged Will, who looked at him. Both nodded. They were well trained in this course of action by now, and knew exactly what to do. Verallidaine, transfixed by her own descriptions of her fictional children's 'cuteness', did not notice as Will silently picked up the pistol that was kept in close proximity for cases such as this.

Extending his arms and aiming the gun, she still did not notice. She was far too busy listing possible names for her daughters, who, she had decided, would be a Nobel Prize winner and a famous actress. Bracing himself, Will pulled the trigger, shooting her straight through the chest. She fell, gracefully, to the deck.

Jack and Will, still holding the gun raised, stood back. It was too dangerous to approach her- they knew from experience that a gunshot was rarely enough to even injure one of these beasts. And, unsurprisingly, they were right. 

She sat up; having healed her own wound using a combination of the goodness of her heart and her part-faerie blood. She furrowed her brow in confusion.

"That wasn't very nice, Will," she said. "Jack, aren't you going to defend our love?"

"I'll defend our _love_, as you call it," said Jack, stepping froward, "when I give up me rum and start drinking mineral water."

"Which," stated Will, "in case it didn't register, is never."

"Savvy?" Jack finished off.

"Fine," Verallidaine spat. "But you asked for this."

And with that, she threw her head back and let out a long and impossibly high-pitched wail. Within moments, a part-Pegasus, part-Unicorn, part-Mermaid creature soared from the sky and began to circle the ship, having been apparently called by the Mary Sue. It landed on the deck, next to the girl, and she climbed on top of it, taking off almost instantly.

She reached into her cleavage-enhancing bodice and drew out a silver fountain pen. Waving it around her head, she muttered a few words in some ancient language that she could apparently speak fluently, and a mass of glitter cascaded from the end. 

"Prepare to drown and meet your end!" she cried, laughing in a manner eerily reminiscent of the Austin Powers movies. 

Will held out his hand and watched as watched as it slowly filled with the glittering particles. "Now, come on," he said, tipping his hand upside down and watching as the glitter fell to the floor. "This is just lame."

"Yeah," Jack agreed. He looked up at the still laughing girl perched uncomfortably upon the strange creature worthy of Harry Potter. "If you're trying to win me over," he called up to her, "you're not exactly succeeding." 

"I'm not supposed to _win you over_," she replied, haughtily. "You're supposed to throw yourself at me."

"You've failed, love."

"But-"

"You have _failed_."

"Fine," Verallidaine cried. "You're obviously my soulmate then, Will."

A look of sheer horror passed over Will's face. The ones with the word 'soulmate' in their vocabulary were exceedingly difficult to pry off.

"Well… you see… the thing about that is," he stammered. "I'm kind of seeing someone at the moment."

"But I'm better than that Elizabeth!" she wailed. "Look!" She began to squirm around clutching at the bodice of her dress. Jack and Will simply stared at each other, perplexed.

"My, this corset is so very tight! Oh, how I despise this _corset," she cried melodramatically. "Listen as I make various witty comments regarding _corsets_ and their lack of comfort!"_

"Okay," said Will. "I'm just confused now."

"Me too," Jack replied, turning away from the Mary Sue, who had just begun to loudly state that she was having difficulty breathing, before falling from her creature and onto the deck. "How 'bout we get rid of this one, and then get something to drink?"

Will nodded in agreement. Mary Sues were never pleasant, but this one was just bizarre. Slowly, he and Jack approached the girl lying on the deck, her hair perfectly fanned out around her head. Several weeks of experience had taught Will and Jack their weakness, and the only way to properly destroy them. 

Will, hoping that the girl would be too preoccupied to notice him, slowly bent down to pick up the silver pen that she had dropped when she fell. It was now lying by his feet. As his fingers inched closer to it, Verallidaine took notice, and began to frantically claw her way toward the pen, trying in vain to reach it before he did. 

This effort was to no avail, as Will grasped the pen tightly before she could reach it. She knew what he was going to do with it.

"Will," she cried desperately. "You don't want to do this. You love me!"

Will simply stared back at her, unaffected by her words. 

"But… I'm your… _mother_!" she shrieked.

Loud laughter came from behind them, where Jack was standing. "Mother?" he said. "There's another one for you to add to your ever growing list of newly discovered family members, Will, mate."

"Well," said Will. "You may think you are my mother, but that doesn't change the fact that you're a Mary Sue, and the _Black Pearl_ has very strict anti-Sue regulations." With that, he broke the pen in his hands clean in half, letting the dark blue ink run over his hands and drip on to the deck.

"Nooooooooooo!" Verallidaine screamed, her voice suddenly changing from melodic to rather scratchy and harsh on the ears. Jack and Will watched as she writhed on the ground, her appearance changing dramatically. 

Her hair was no longer floor-length and golden. In fact, it was now a mousy brown and shoulder length. Her ever-changing eyes had changed for the last time, back to their original brown, with black framed glasses covering them. Her flawless skin became darker and more blemished, and her stunning radiant silver gown had disappeared, replaced by a dark blue junior high school uniform.

Upon hearing the commotion, Anamaria had emerged from below deck. 

"What's happening, Captain?" she asked. Her eyes soon reached the form of the sobbing girl on the deck. "Ah, I see. I commend you on a job well done, Captain, Will."

"Thanks, love," Jack replied. "Tough one, this was. Anyway, could you take it back to shore?"

"We don't want it here any longer than it has to be," Will added. 

Smiling, Anamaria nodded and picked up the girl, dragging her to one of the small boats that were now used primarily for this extermination process. Watching as she threw her in, Jack turned to Will.

"Now that that's over with," he said. "How 'bout we go get that drink? I'd say you've deserved it."

Will nodded in reply, and the two turned their backs on the sight of the girl crumpled in the bottom of the boat as Anamaria rowed back to shore. 

Peace and normality was once again restored upon the _Black __Pearl... but for how long?_

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End file.
